Sharing stories: Helping children navigate grief
- zara-obrien
- Nov 20
- 6 min read
"Tell me about Grandad again." "What was Mummy like when she was little?" "Do you think Nanny would be proud of me?" When children ask these questions, they're not just seeking information. They're doing something profoundly important: they're keeping their loved one alive through story.
For too long, grief support focused on "letting go," "moving on," or "closure." But contemporary grief theory recognises something children instinctively know: we don't have to say goodbye to someone to live well alongside their absence.
Understanding continuing bonds
The theory of continuing bonds, developed by researchers Klass, Silverman, and Nickman in the 1990s, challenged older models of grief that emphasised "detachment" from the deceased. Their research showed that maintaining an ongoing connection – through memory, ritual, story, and meaning-making – is not only normal but healthy.
For children, this is especially significant. A child who loses a parent at age six will continue to need that parent throughout their life – at graduations, weddings, moments of struggle and triumph. They don't "get over" the loss; they integrate it into their identity, carrying their loved one forward through story and memory. This is where storytelling becomes therapeutic.
Why stories matter in children's grief
Stories do several things:
They keep the person present: Sharing stories ensures the person isn't forgotten, that their personality, quirks, and love remain vivid and real.
They shape identity: "Your dad was so good at fixing things", or "Your mum loved to sing" helps children understand where they come from and who they might become.
They offer comfort: Hearing "Grandma would be so proud of you" or "Uncle loved it when you made him laugh" reassures children that love doesn't end with death.
They invite expression: Storytelling opens space for children to ask questions, share their own memories, or express feelings they might not have words for yet.
They model healthy grief: When adults share stories – including sad, funny, or imperfect memories – children learn that grief can hold many emotions at once.
Creative ways to share stories
Not all children will want to sit and talk about the person who died. Grief can feel too big, too overwhelming, or too abstract. That's where creativity helps. The beauty of these activities is twofold: stories naturally emerge whilst you're creating together – "Remember when Grandad wore this shirt to your birthday?" – and the finished items become tangible prompts for ongoing storytelling long after they're made.
Here are therapeutic activities that invite stories in the making and in the keeping:
Memory box
The creation of the box itself can be a meaningful part of the process. As you work together to transform a simple box into something special, stories flow naturally: "This fabric is from Dad's favourite shirt – he wore it to every football match." Cover the box with fabric from the person's favourite shirt or scarf, collage photographs onto the surface, paint or decorate it with colours and patterns they loved, write song lyrics that remind you of them on the outside, or add their name and meaningful dates.
Once decorated, fill it with objects that remind you of the person: a favourite recipe card, a photograph, a piece of jewellery, a ticket stub from somewhere you went together, something that smells like them (perfume, aftershave), or an item they loved. Each item added becomes another story: "This shell is from the beach we went to together." Add to it over time. Let your child lead on what goes in.
This becomes a safe container for memories – something they can open when they want to feel close to the person, each object a doorway back into story. The act of making it honours the relationship, and the finished box becomes a treasured keepsake that continues to invite remembering.
Decorated picture frame
Choose a favourite photograph and buy or make a simple frame. As you decorate it together, share the stories behind your choices: if they loved gardening, add pressed flowers or leaf prints and talk about what they grew; if they were creative, use paint, glitter, or fabric and remember their own projects; if they loved the sea, add shells or blue colours and recall trips to the beach.
Every time your child sees the finished frame, they're reminded not just of how the person looked, but who they were – and the stories you shared whilst making it together.
Salt jar (emotion or memory layers)
This is particularly good for children who struggle to articulate feelings or who connect strongly to sensory memories. You'll need a clear jar, table salt, coloured chalk, a bowl or container for mixing, and a paper or plastic funnel.
To create coloured salt, put some table salt into a bowl or container and grind the coloured chalk directly into the salt, mixing until you reach the desired colour intensity.
The layers can represent either emotions (yellow for happy times, blue for sadness, red for anger, green for love, purple for confusion) or memories and characteristics of the person (lavender for the lavender Nan grew and put in drawers, blue for Dad's favourite football team, green for the garden they loved, pink for the roses they grew, yellow for their sunny personality).
Use the funnel to carefully pour layers of coloured salt into the jar. As each colour goes in, invite your child to talk (or stay silent) about what it represents: "This green is for all the times in the garden together – remember when we planted sunflowers?" When finished, write labels for what each colour represents and tie them around the jar with string or ribbon.
The finished jar becomes a visual story – all the feelings and memories existing together, layered but distinct. Later, when your child looks at it, they can retell the stories: "The lavender layer is for Nan's drawer sachets – I loved that smell."
Meaning-making activities
Help your child find meaning or connection through action. As you do these together, stories naturally emerge:
Plant a tree or flowers in the person's memory: "Grandad would have loved this spot. Remember how he always said roses needed sunshine?"
Donate to a charity they cared about: talk about why it mattered to them.
Do an act of kindness in their honour: "Auntie always helped her neighbours. Let's do the same."
Create a playlist of songs that remind them of the person: share why each song was special.
Cook or bake their favourite recipe together: "Mum always added extra chocolate chips!"
These activities give children something tangible to do with their grief and a sense of ongoing connection. Each time you return to the planted tree, listen to the playlist, or make the recipe again, the stories continue.
What about difficult memories?
Not all stories are easy to tell. If the person who died struggled with addiction, mental illness, or had a complicated relationship with your child, storytelling can feel fraught.
It's OK to share nuanced truths: "Grandad loved you very much, and he also found life very hard sometimes." Children can hold complexity. What matters is honesty, compassion, and helping them make sense of their experience – not creating a perfect narrative.
When to seek support
Most children will naturally share stories, ask questions, and process grief over time. However, seek professional support if:
Your child refuses to speak about the person at all after several months, or becomes extremely distressed whenever they're mentioned.
They express persistent guilt, blame themselves for the death, or show signs of trauma.
Grief is interfering significantly with school, friendships, or daily functioning.
They express thoughts of self-harm or wanting to die to "be with" the person.
Therapy can offer a safe, boundaried space for children to explore feelings, memories, and meaning-making with someone outside the family system.
A final thought
Grief is not something children "get through" and leave behind. It's something they carry forward, woven into the fabric of who they become. The stories we share – messy, funny, sad, ordinary – are how we honour both the person who died and the child who continues to grow without them.
What story will you share today? What memory will you help your child hold onto? The person may be gone, but their story – and the love it carries – remains.
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